Things have moved quickly for me. I started school and feel fuckin DEPRESSED! hahaha FUCK! I didn’t think it would be like this. I’m pushing trough tho. Gave myself yesterday to sit down and think school through. I feel like I’m behind, but I’m stuck with it. I can’t believe the amount of work we have.
“Lordamercy! Chrisamercy! Lordamercy! Let us PRAY!”
For now, I’m just typing on this thing. Wondering who’s reading this…
Shout out to Utah, Arizona! and China baby! What up Cancer! haha-ha-ha
I seriously try to picture myself graduating already. Getting to that next step. I wonder sometimes if I really deserve having a good life. I’m scared. I’m human! I’m trying to not just GET through this, but also opening my eyes and my heart to learn and make the most of it all. It’s funny, it sounds like I’m describing a bad date. But its not, I’m just bitching and moaning really…haha
I saw the gents the other day. I must say, we’re all doing out own thing nowadays. There’s no tension, but I feel like I have to get to know them again a little more. I feel like they’re losing the person that they knew who was me. To complement that, I’m actively trying to rediscover them over and over again. I just miss youth, and every time I see them it reminds me of it. I feel like I’m sick of myself. I want to go back in time and talk to me at 15 and let him know that everything will be alright…you’re going to fuck up, a lot! I want to remember how I got here. I want to look forward and believe in myself.
My family is pretty good right now. We’ll always be messed up tho. I really don’t know what it is about us – David’s. Its almost like, I have the most interesting family on earth. We’re not happy– we’re not sad– we’re just there together. And we have this awesome power inside us, but we’re trying to find out what that mystery is. So in the meantime, let’s live together. We love each other, and we hate each other. But we’re family– You know?
I had something that almost sounded like an argument a little over a week ago with my mom. She asked my about school. She asked me if this is what I truly wanted to do. I feel like she was drilling me. We fussed, but I needed to know that she was okay with me going back. I needed her to really support me on this. My mom is SO FUCKIN REAL. And I will always love her for that. Her life was so hard and she could be quite overprotective and overbearing. She has her good days and bad days, and God willing she’s WAITING FOR GRANDCHILDREN! haha
I’m not ready for any sort of relationship right now tho. That’s for real. I got a lot of plans for myself that I’m trying my hardest to fulfill.
My mom and I fussed even more. In the end, my mom asked me if I was happy. I said yes. I meant it. She stopped the barrage of questions. She must’ve seen something I didn’t realize in myself, I guess. I could only speculate. haha
The scary thing is admittedly, I’ve been a flake before, and I’ve made many MANY mistakes and missteps in my life. But seriously, as shameful as it may seem to others…I’m so glad I made all those mistakes! Because the most important thing to me is that I LEARNED. I’m proud of myself right now in making a decision at THIS point of my life to take this route. It’s not EASY! But I’m aiming high for myself; can you guess how high I’m aiming?
The point being, I know that its tough to maintain complete control over certain things in my life. But I chose this route and I’m taking it. In the long run my education will keep me up on those lonely nights, it will fuel my brain to think clearer than I’ve ever known, and help me find a good woman. Just like how my dad found my mom.
Mom helped make me and bore me for 9 months dammit– and she wants grandkids!!!! Well then, I’m going to find a good woman to make the best darn grandkids possible! I owe her that.
But yea, school sucks…