Rant #34,689,030,246

I’ve been meaning to blog for a while. But with the holidays and the time I’ve spent just trying to relax, it’s been quite hard. Ultimately, I’m glad and thankful that this week was 4 weeks long. It gave me just enough time to settle in and get some reading done. Admittedly, this has been a time of self-reflection. I’ve tried to read as many books as possible and experience new things. Mostly, I reflected on my life and meditated on how that was going.

The holidays gave me a chance to be by myself and contemplate that fact. I stayed up last night depressed at the fact that for the past five years, I haven’t allowed myself to feel anything for anyone. I’ve been quite selfish in my pursuit. I’m not regretful that this has happened, but in another way, I’ve also avoided to find the meaning behind all of this. But I argue to myself that the whole reason I went back to school was for my own selfish pursuit of education.

Anyway, I’ve decided to start another blog or something about my personal feelings on love and how my love life has gone as of late. I’ll probably be posting that soon. Or maybe not. To me, it’s hard to organize my feelings from my professional. After all, isn’t this supposed to be a blog about my education? But then I think, well the whole EXPERIENCE is why I’m doing this in the first place right? The whole frustration, sacrifice, work, influence, etc. Maybe I’m doing this so that I just don’t come off as shallow as I may seem. Perhaps, just to get a glimpse into my own creativity and madness. Either way, this is what blogging is supposed to be about right? Just raw emotion, take-it-all or diss-it mentality, right? I wonder.

I just think it’s really important to let it out. Not to think I’m all that or all this or some sort of special. Rather, the contrary. That I’m imperfect. That this is not some perfectly crafted mess. That I can loosen up and be confident on how I feel. Even more importantly, CHANGE the way I feel. And by even typing this right now, I feel a little better.

I pray I will make it through this term. Last term I couldn’t get through the week with at least two all-nighters a week. I trimmed my schedule to have only 5 classes this term. I hope it helps with my whole schedule and posture. I might possibly get to TA too, but I have to ask the instructor first. Hopefully it goes well. More later tho.

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