My (After) LOST Theory

***SPOILER ALERT***

So the series known as LOST has ended, apparently, but it doesn’t mean the story ends there! In the tradition of awesome TV programming, I introduce to you the LOST Spin-offs! Or, like Jacob, my glimpse into the future of what will happen from this point forward, or backwards, or sideways, after Jack hath closed his eyes.

As the new guardian of the island, Hurley is left a daunting task. But now, he can travel back and forth from and to the island; and back and forth through time—via the frozen wheel, which is now apparently an iPhone ap. He ventures back to civilization while Ben looks after the island as his “number two” (pun intended). Back in civilization, Hurley reunites with his family and more importantly, his investment team of money grubbing lawyers and financial advisers in the Hurley corporation, or HugoCorp—the same corporation owning his chain of fast food restaurants, VW dealerships, food storage facilities, HUMMER, and big and tall retail clothing stores (oh, you didn’t know that?). Since he IS the big-boss man and protector of the island, his team advises him to capitalize on his now invaluable asset, and covert the place into a vacation paradise. I mean, he OWNS a mutha-effin island!
More on that later…

Henceforth the first spin-off, Mainland, a dramatic, weekly one-hour series based in Los Angeles revolving around the wealth and power of HugoCorp. Of course, Hugo is the main patriarch of the series, playing dual-omnipotent roles—that being the mild-mannered CEO and president as well as the protector of the magnificent and magical island. There are some appearances from the surviving cast members like Desmond (who now has the ability to manipulate the magnetic fields of the Earth and fly, and travel front, back and sideways through time and space, at will. He eventually gets a comic character based on him when he travels to the 1960’s named Magneto), Claire (who is now Hurley’s new love interest), and Sawyer (who is just, well, still a stinkin cop). The series takes off and viewers will be dazzled by both the cunning business sense and light-hearted, playful humor of Hugo “HH” Hurley Reyes. Very soon however, not all is right in “paradise”, as the series comes to a close with the season cliffhanger of “Who Shot Hurley?” where Hurley’s blood is discovered and he inexplicably disappears.

Losties will become disappointed as Mainland will come to an abrupt end, mid-season, due to low ratings and general disinterest in the series. But they’ll be quick to jump on the next spin-off, despite Mainland never really answering the question as to who shot “HH” in the first place. More on that to come…

The new LOST spin-off series will pick-up where we left off, except HugoCorp has gone ahead with it’s plan and made the island into an exclusive tourist attraction for the impossibly wealthy; a sort of a “fantasy island”, and henceforth infuse a pilot to be called, well, Fantasy Island: The Phantom Man In Black.

At first the wealthy visitors are in present time and made to play out their fantasies and wishes due to the electromagnetism and mysterious elements surrounding the island. However, we soon learn that Ben, in a loss from never receiving the gift from Hurley to become the island’s protector due to Hurley’s sudden death, decides in benevolence, to receive the gift himself. He ventures into the cavern of light where he believes that by basking in the light and swallowing an ounce more light, he will eventually be able to “become” the light and henceforth, immortal. All is well until he slips and falls, inevitably getting fried in the strong current of electromagnetism, and becomes the new Smoke Monster. But he’s not the only smoke monster! Apparently, Jack (cameo!) also became a smoke monster by staying in the soup too long (that’s how he woke up by the river, like the Man in Black) and has become a smoke monster himself. The two battle it out during sweeps week, and almost kill everyone on the island, including the cute-ass hula girls, until Richard Alper mysteriously shows up and suggests that the timeline should be set back to the 1970’s in a temporal-rift set around the island. Doing so will allow the visitors and locals to remained unscathed in the past, before the smoke battle had apparently incurred, therefore saving everyone.

This is highly profitable for HugoCorp, which has now merged with Charles Widmore’s company, Widmore Enterprises, Inc. (This in turn signals another spin-off called, The Widmore’s) Richard Alper becomes the island’s new protector, because he’s the only immortal left, and reveals that he was actually Jacob’s back-up plan in case an incident such as this had transpired. By this time his grey hairs have grown out a bit, and Spanish accent returning. He inevitably changes his name back to Ricardo, or Roarke (for short), then eventually known as Mr. Roarke. Hurley is discovered in the temple. He’s injured, but isn’t dead (since he’s immortal), and decides to heal in the temple’s lush, life-giving spring. But in doing so, he becomes a shell of his former self and much shorter, and speaks funny with a French accent. He is now somewhat unrecognizable, but really, really happy just being a sidekick with the protector responsibilities. He eventually loves being “number two” and quickly adopts being referred to by the nickname “Two”, which eventually becomes “Ta-Tou”.

The series lasts (incredibly) for three more seasons, however the series finale of this new “Fantasy Island” is never shown and the series abruptly ends, fading into obscurity with fans wondering the whole time “WT EFFFF?!” Then a big LOST logo hits viewers in the face, and Losties cry in praise, “BEST SHOW EVVVVVEEEEERRRRR!”

Could it happen? Maybe—I could be wrong. (But you gotta trust me, I’m right on this!) It doesn’t really matter cuz they’ll all meet at some other point, in another dimension, maybe when they’re all dead. (Oops! *Spoiler*) That is, until they travel back, back, baaaack, in time and get here right as the Galactica refugees touch down on Earth. Shockingly, you discover that “the light” is actually a crashed resurrection ship, and Sawyer is really not just a stinkin pig, he’s the fourteeth Cylon!

What the EFFF?!

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